Just a mum?

Last week at playgroup with grandbaby Griffin, one of the mums was rather upset. Over dinner the night before, a supposedly close friend – single and childless – had seriously put her down by saying, “you wouldn’t know the stress of working full time.”  The dinner guest also went on to berate parents at her company for not taking their ‘work’ seriously because, “they are racing out the door at 5.30pm.”

 

The playgroup mum has two small children and has put aside a corporate career to be a home maker and mother. She works part time around her little ones in a home based business but is frustrated at the lack of respect for the job she is doing raising two happy, healthy children and running a home. She says, if I mention my part time business, even my family ask, “so how much are you making?”  They don’t value what I do because they can’t see the dollar signs.   

 

It is sad that the role of being a mother, especially a full-time mother, doesn’t convey much acknowledgement, let alone respect, but I often wonder if this is our own fault to some extent – would others have more respect for our mothering role if we command this with confidence?

 

A few years ago, I was at a business lunch. People introduced themselves around the table then chat turned to the inevitable, “and what do you do?” Responses were diverse: Doctor, lawyer, accountant, publicist, actor… until, across the table a vivacious woman said, “I am a happy housewife.”  (she had come with her husband).  Although the woman didn’t mention her mothering role (much more appealing then ‘housewife’ to me), because she had dared to be completely honest (and described herself as ‘happy’), with no embellishment (“domestic engineer”) or apology (“I am just a mum”), she commanded as much respect as any of the ‘high fliers’ at the table.

 

Gaining respect from others starts with self-respect, especially valuing our own role as mothers.  Admittedly this can take a while to come to grips with when you are used to defining yourself by what you do. Being ‘just a mother’ can add another layer of the inevitable identity crisis as you adjust to the ‘real change of life’ that having a baby entails. There is also pressure on mothers from many angles that if they aren’t in the paid workforce they are either failing to contribute (to the family budget or to society at large) or they are wasting their education. 

 

The skills acquired from being a mother (and those required to be a mother) – from extreme patience under stress and dealing with difficult people, to multi- tasking  – can be valuable attributes to society at large as well as any future career path. Mothering involves amazing creativity and is probably the most intense personal development course available. It also requires initiative that can lead on to new opportunities in business or personal life and it is entirely compatible with further study if this suits you.

 

If you are feeling pressured about your choices to take ‘time out’  to nurture your little ones, remind yourself that many of your critics (like the woman who put the playgroup mum down) wouldn’t understand the definition of ‘full-time’ as you know it.  Also, hold your head up high as you tell yourself (often!!), the world will wait while you do the wonderful, worthwhile work of raising happy little human beings. If you understand the significance of your nurturing role to your child, to your own identity and to the wider community, you will be open to the delights of being a mother however you choose to work this out.

 

Pinky McKay is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, infant massage instructor, mother of five and author of five books including ‘Sleeping Like a Baby’, 100 Ways to calm the Crying, and Toddler Tactics(Penguin).  Visit her website www.pinkymckay.com.au

 

Down with ‘celebu-nannies’

I often find myself explaining to confused mothers asking ‘what am I doing wrong?” (as they try to follow the book on their coffee table), that books that seem reasonable before you have a child are at odds with how you feel when you meet your little being.

I have just been reminded of this as I read a beautiful article in a baby magazine ( My Child) by Antonella Gambotto-Burke – ‘Raising Bethesda’ – about how she had planned ‘pre-baby’ to follow the Contented Little Baby book by Gina ford. But, as happens so often, Gambotta Burke says, “But then I heard Bethesdas voice and the world changed.”

You see, nature is powerful and when she has her way, mothers discover, as Gambotta-Burke did, that mother and baby are designed to be close to each other and feel at odds when separation is enforced by rules.

Snuggling together with baby is natural and nourishing to both parent and child and clocks and strict schedules have no part of this connection as mother and baby become exquisitely attuned to each other. Non-verbal cues are easily shared so that as baby becomes slightly uncomfortable or just a wee bit hungry or thirsty, mother intuitively attends to her child. This connection is like a dance with partners becoming more and more competent at the steps as they practice – soon there are no concerns about ‘which cry is this?’  Instead there is an inner knowing by that mother of her individual baby’s own unique language.

This is not simply an ‘emotional’ bond ( although of course there is a deep emotional connection and it is vital) but a blueprint for survival that is physical and biological. Hormonal changes that begin during pregnancy and are heightened after the birth of our babies are designed to help us become more intuitive and responsive to them. MRIs have shown that certain parts of a mother’s brain light up when her own baby cries; other studies show that circulation to a mother’s breasts increases when she hears her child’s cry. Fathers too can have altered levels of hormones that aid their responsivity and these are enhanced by close contact with their child.

This is why I feel angry when I hear childless ’celebunannies’ – to use Antonella Gambotta’s term – calling babies ‘MY babies’ or claiming that they have special powers to interpret babies’ cries. Some claim they have had these ’special powers’ since they were children.  Der… ?  These women are part of the human race (aren’t they)  – I would like to believe that every child has enough empathy to know when a fellow human feels distressed, especially a vulnerable baby. However, I feel cross that mothers are being undermined and second guessing their own babies’ behaviour as they listen to ‘outsiders’ telling them to ‘leave the baby to cry’ or that is ‘just’ an angry cry ( anger is a legitimate emotion when distress and helplessness prevail) .

This lack of confidence is detrimental to the mother- infant connection as it interrupts bonding between the person who really does know the baby best – the mother of that child.  Besides,  despite the outrageous claims that anybody but you – the parents – could interpret your babies cries better than you, research actually shows that babies have individual cry prints, just as we all have individual fingerprints.  So although there may be a similarity between babies cries, there will also be nuances that are  characteristic to YOUR baby. By holding your wee one close and doing some baby watching – not packing her away in a dark room and avoiding eye contact – you will get to know what kind of cry is this? You will also get to know your baby’s pre-cry language and you will intuitively respond appropriately.

I have a wonderful quote that I love to share from The Continuum Concept, a book written in the seventies by Jean Leidloff, an American woman who lived for a time with the Yequana Indians,

“I would be ashamed to admit to the Indians that where I come from the women do not feel themselves capable of raising children until they have read the instructions written by a strange man”

As Antonella Gamnbotto- Burke says, describing her feelings, the night her baby announced “I sleep in my own bed” ,  “Gina Ford and her fellow ‘celebunannies’ can never know what I felt in that moment for Bethesda.  That throat-constricting love, as limitless as the horizon.The confrontation of my baby’s conscious individuation. And the understanding that allowing her to evolve at her own pace was a gift: in yielding to our babies, a reverence for life itself.”  

Love, laugh, enjoy – and please, be as gentle to yourself and your beloved as you are to your child. You ARE the expert about YOUR baby!

 Pinky www.pinkymckay.com.au

who is your cheering squad?

Every day I see wonderful mothers doing a lovely job nurturing their little ones but so many of these women doubt themselves as they face criticism for their parenting choices, especially if they happen to have a high needs baby.

Even though – or perhaps, especially when – it seems that you are the only person whose baby only sleeps for moments, or cries when he isn’t being held, or isn’t easily soothed or is easily over-stimulated, take heart: you really aren’t the only person who is having a difficult time. Sadly though, there is a conspiracy of silence around what babies REALLY do and how mothers REALLy feel  – very stressed, often isolated and much of the time, inadequate.

This is why it really is important to find yourself a support group or at least a few likeminded people who will tell you that you are doing a fabulous job and that you WILL survive.

 Just yesterday I spoke to a mother on the phone who was feeling totally undermined by advice from family, friends and virtual strangers, including her mothers’ group.  I reassured this mum – who was doing a wonderful job with a high needs/ reflux baby that she hadnt ‘created bad habits’ and wouldn’t have a child with ‘behaviour problems’ ( her wee one is only 3 months old so hardly on the road to delinquincy!) because she was holding him too much/ not leaving him to cry to ‘teach’ him to sleep ( as though crying teaches anybody anything other than to ‘give up’!). I also suggested that this mum desperately needed to find a cheering squad – others who would support her parenting choices or, at the very least,mind their own business.  I told her, as I tell all mothers, “if they aren’t bringing casseroles or offering to do an ‘overnighter’, then they have no right to criticise. And you have no obligation to listen to them.”  One place I suggested this mum might find support was the Australian Breastfeeding Association. This seemed fairly daunting because she is a country mum with quite a distance to tarvel to her nearest group meeting.

But, today this mum emailed me and here is a part of what she wrote:

“We spoke on the phone yesterday evening about my little bub and her sleep. Your encouragement and reassurance was just the tonic I needed, and I ended up changing my plans today so that I could go to the ABA meeting for the first time. It was fantastic and there were several women with high-needs bubs with very similar stories to mine (their kids are a bit older than XXX and they survived!) who share the same compassionate philosophy – as you said they would. I made friends with some lovely ladies who live just around the corner (a big thing when living in a relatively isolated area) – and have been told to pop in for a cuppa anytime. I’ve taken comfort from yours and their experiences and can fully relax in the knowledge that things will happen in their own time. I cannot tell you what a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders in the past 24 hours. I feel like I can just enjoy XXXX now, trust my instincts and go for it!

 So, to all you mums sitting at home feeling as though you are ‘the only one’ holding and rocking and soothing a high needs baby or, in fact, any baby (becoming a mother is a HUGE life change!), please come out of your closet and find your cheering squad. I promise, it will boost your confidence and your sense of self.   Go on, pick up the phone and get out there ‘face to face’ with other people who will support you.

 Love, laugh enjoy and, above all be as kind to yourself and your beloved as you are to your baby,

pinky www.pinkymckay.com.au

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!