Naughty Nanas

 

A few days ago, my little grandson woke my daughter with a request for ‘ice-cream’. When she told him, “no, we don’t have ice-cream,” he said, “buy ice-cream, ice cream shop.” When this request was declined, the smart little rascal didn’t miss a beat, “Nanny, black car, ice cream shop.” Interpreted:  “Nanny will take me to the shop to buy ice cream.”

 

I confess, I am a naughty nana! Although there is no way I would race over in my little black car and indulge my grandchild’s whims and fancies for ice-cream at 7 am, or intentionally undermine his parents’ boundaries, at just 21 months he already knows I am a soft touch.  Look in my handbag and you will find little ‘treats’ – organic apple chippies and perhaps even a fruit bar or two. I can’t resist impossibly cute baby clothes and toys – I find it incredibly difficult to walk past a really sweet outfit without swiping the plastic if I can picture it on my gorgeous grand babies. 

 

I try not to get too carried away and I do consider whether toys will be developmentally appropriate and environmentally sensitive (my daughter has requested ‘no plastics’ so I respect this). I also consult with my kids and their partners on the big items, but for me this spoiling is something special that I didn’t have the luxury of when my own kids were small. Without grandparents living close to support me, I didn’t have the resources I now have – time, money and sleep – to indulge my own children at this level. Nor would I have wanted to – as parents we have the ultimate responsibility of teaching and guiding our children and we do need to be firmer. 

 

As parents, it can be difficult to be ‘vegetables and boundaries’ to our children while grandparents can be ‘ice-cream and fun’, especially if they were harsher on us, but if you are struggling with grandparents who indulge your kids, it can help to see things from your parents’ perspective: the grand-father who now pushes your child on the swings for hours (and you can’t even remember him taking you to the park), was probably stressed about earning enough to feed you when you were a child or he may have been driven to advance in his career to give his kids (you!) a good education. He may simply have mellowed in his old age, but does it really matter why he and your child enjoy each other’s company – it gives you a break, doesn’t it?  ‘Spoiling’ can also be about connection.  Although, for me, spending time with my grandchildren is the ultimate joy, buying gifts may be the only way some grandparents can feel connected to their grandchild. Many grandparents are separated from their grandchildren by distance and others simply don’t have the opportunity to spend time, often because of the parents’ (their own kids) busy lives, so feel left out.

 

I believe that a bit of spoiling is a rite of passage as well as a right that grandparents have earned.  The relationship between us and our grandchildren is very precious however we express it.  If you don’t approve, please tell us gently what you would like us to do. For instance, ‘Little Johnny gets a runny nose when he eats ice-cream but he loves apple chips’ or ‘Tilly has lots of pretty dresses, but she needs some toys for the sandpit.’   If you would rather your parents spent time with your child than buying gifts, try and facilitate this and reinforce it when it happens – tell them how much she enjoys feeding the ducks with them or listening to their stories. If you feel safety is an issue, discuss it or stay and quietly supervise. If you feel undermined, please say so rather than simmering with resentment or ‘punishing’ grandparents by keeping them at a distance.

 

Of course, it can be difficult to rein in indulgent grandparents – as one of my rebellious ‘nana’ friends recently said, “they are my grandchildren and it’s my money.”  So, if you can’t curb grandparents’ enthusiasm, try to remember that a little spoiling really doesn’t hurt – even very small children quickly get to know that while Nanna or Granddad might be a soft touch, the boundaries are just that at home.

 

Pinky McKay is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, Infant Massage instructor, mother of five and author. For information about Pinky’s  books ‘Sleeping Like a Baby’ or ‘Toddler Tactics’ (Penguin), private consultations or classes  for parents, visit www.pinkymckay.com.au

 

When Daddy does it differently ( and not as well as Mommy)

A father’s place can often feel as though it is ‘in the wrong’, especially if they bear the brunt of an over critical partner when they don’t do things just right.  With a new baby though, this isn’t necessarily due to Dad being slap dash. Instead, it can be due to ‘mummy lioness’ hormonal effects that begin brewing even before baby arrives.

 

 During the last trimester of pregnancy, women’s bodies begin to concoct a potent cocktail of hormones that includes oxytocin, the love hormone and prolactin which is often referred to as the ‘mothering hormone’ because it promotes maternal responsiveness. The effects of this ‘chemistry of attachment’ which is boosted by a natural birth and enhanced by breastfeeding, is so well recognised that scientists have labelled it as ‘the motherhood mindset’ or ‘maternal pre-occupation’.

 

Although this potent ‘mummy margarita’ and the all-consuming  nurturing behaviour that it  generates is designed for infant survival, it often results in super protective behaviour by mothers that can make fathers feel relegated to the rank of apprentice.

 

 Simply being aware of your biological drive (or your partner’s, if you are a father reading this) to care for your baby, can be enough to help you share parenting without attacking each other or implying that the non-birth partner or other family members, such as grandparents, may somehow ‘mess things up’ if they share care, especially if they do things a little differently. 

 

The downside of excluding fathers from baby care is that if a man feels less than competent, he will most likely disappear to a place where he does feel in charge, such as his workplace. Soon, working late becomes a legitimate excuse for him to avoid confrontation and so a vicious downward spiral of non-involvement with his child begins.

 

 On the other hand, the more involved a father is with little ones, the more his confidence soars and the better his connection with them becomes. And, with a little encouragement and respect, he may even start to do some things ‘your way’.

 

 

  Please tell us how you encourage your partner to ’share the  care’ – or if you are a dad, let us know how you feel when she criticises – and what you do. The best three responses will each win a copy of Pinky’s Baby Massage DVD – or, if you have an older child, a copy of Toddler Tactics.  Winners will be decided on Sunday – Happy Fathers Day!

 

  For more about your amazing hormones and how they affect your responsiveness to your baby see Pinky’s book “Sleeping Like a Baby” at her website -www.pinkymckay.com.au